This week I was asked to fill out a survey for the "Getting to Know You" section of the newsletter for my company. It's just a random set of questions for the employees to learn new things about their coworkers. Question #4 "What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done?" Whoa! <Time stood still while I thought about my answer> My answer would be a close tie between: (1) carrying my daughter knowing that she would die. (2) burying my daughter having never seen her breathe her first breath. So...needless to say, I decided to skip this question... I figured this would be a little way too much to put in a monthly company newsletter.
From the day McKinley was born, I have struggled with the fact that I did not get to carry her to full term and that I did not get to see her breathe her first breath. Some days I feel at peace with this and other days, I really struggle. It's so odd feeling so thankful and happy for the time I had with her, but so sad at the same time for the lack of time I had with her. I struggle with the fact that I did not get days, hours, or even minutes with her like I was preparing my heart for in the months leading up to her birth. I also know that no matter the amount of time I had with her, it would never seem like enough. So please pray for me as I continue to search for peace in this.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight."
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6
2 comments:
It's crazy that you wrote about this today. I was having these exact same feelings today and found myself in on of those uncontrollable crying sessions. I know exactly what you are feeling and where you are at... but even in my own crying out to God, I have no resolutions to this pain yet. I have an unfortunate feeling that it's going to be one of those emotions that will occasionally crop up for the rest of my life -- until I see her again in heaven. I am so sorry that we have to go through this my dear friend. Know that I am praying for you and am here for you.
I can only imagine... There are no words. Just know that we all hurt for you and with you, and look forward to the day when you WILL see her alive!!
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