Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Dear God

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12 

Dear God,

By now, I am sure that you have heard from many of our friends and family members. Thank you so much for sending such wonderful people into our lives.  Also, thank you for guarding my heart and sending the most perfect woman last week to be the first one to ask me about children after we lost McKinley.  She had such a kind heart.

I'm going to be honest.....  I'm jealous of you. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do.  I am jealous that you get to spend time with my daughter and I don't.  I know that one day I will get to spend eternity with her (and you), but right now, that just doesn't seem to help the hurt I feel inside.  I need help with this.  But, if I can't be the one holding her and loving on her, there is no one else I'd rather her be with than you.  There is comfort in knowing that she will never feel the pain of this world and will only know what love feels like, our love here on earth but most importantly, your love...the most perfect love there is. 

I struggle on a daily basis but I know you know whats best for us, and for McKinley.  I know that you see things that we can't see. Knowing her condition,  if you saw that she would be in physical pain when she came into this world, I am glad you called her home to safety. You know my heart, if there was nothing the doctors could do,  I would much rather be the one suffering right now than my daughter. This is where I have to put full trust in you.  I may never know why you only let us have her for a short time.  I have to accept this and find peace in this.  I would much rather have had her for a short amount of time than not have her at all. You knew how much love I had to give a child and this child you sent me was special. So thank you, thank you for sending me a beautiful daughter, such a precious gift.  I now have a small glimpse of what it must have felt like for you to send your only son to die for us, for our sins.  Your grace is astounding...


1 comment:

Julie Tiemann said...

Tears in my eyes for you. You really are an amazing mom, Kalee.