Saturday, November 19, 2011

Anger into Thankfulness

When we began to see the specialist, and especially after we got McKinley's diagnosis, an anger started to grow inside of me.  I grew angry with God.  Why would God let this happen to 2 people who want to be parents so badly?  I wondered, “Is God punishing me?”  What did I do wrong to deserve this? Was it because we skipped church that time to do yard work?  Is there a lesson you want to teach me?

I am sad to say that we stopped going to church for about 2 months because of my anger towards God.  How could I go to church every Sunday and praise the One who is about to take my daughter from me?  We go to a pretty big church, so, what do you get with a really big church?.....Yes, a bunch of kids!  I would see kids running around, perfectly normal and healthy.  Why did MY daughter have this fate?  I knew that I would never get to see her running around having fun with other kids like this.  It was just too much to grasp.

It was only a couple weeks before she was born that I felt like I was getting into a place of comfort. This is the "okay" feeling that I refer to in McKinley's Story post.   I was coming to terms with what my future would hold.  Maybe I will never know why, but God trusted Matt and I enough to be McKinley's parents. 

Almost immediately after she was born, I had a turning point. No matter how angry I was with God for letting my daughter die and no matter how much church I missed because of this anger towards him, I still knew that McKinley was in Heaven with Him.  There was never a doubt in my mind where she would be after she left us. What better way to be close to my daughter than being close to the One who is holding her?  Insert turning point.

This past Sunday was our first Sunday backto church in a couple months.  It was really good to be back and I had missed it.  So...our first Sunday back and the sermon was about "Suffering..."  It really hit home for Matt and I.  He followed it up by telling us this weeks sermon will be about "Healing..."  Okay, God, I can hear you loud and clear!!  You have my attention!  This was an example to me of how God's timing is perfect.  This was no coincidence. 

I took some time off work after McKinley's birth.  I read "Heaven is for Real," which was given to me a few weeks back.  I cannot tell you how much that book opened my eyes to where my daughter is.  I would recommend this book to anyone and everyone. 

Now, a couple weeks after our daughter came into our lives and our hearts forever, I am in a much better place.  She changed us.  I thank God for bringing her into our lives.  Wait, now I am thanking the God I was so angry at?  Yes, I am.  I am thankful to have the privilege to always be McKinley's mom.  He knew this precious child needed to be loved unconditionally,  he gave her to Matt and I because he knew we would do just that.


Jamie Sapp said...

I love that you are so honest and real. I imagine you are not the only mother who would harbor hate in that situation such as this. The fact that you can talk about it is refreshing & makes me feel normal. His mercies are plentiful and it is humbling to hear you profess your acceptance of HIS will for McKinley's life...AND yours and Matt's. I wish I could give you a big hug.
xo, Jamie

Anonymous said...

beautiful kk... i love you so much! thanks for sharing...maybe now that you are writing this and mom won't call you so much ;) - jilly

katie green said...

Love it! So glad you started a blog!!! Maybe you and Kara and I can all meet sometime!!!!

Sara Beth Stout said...

oh Kalee, praying for y'all as you continue the road of healing! love you sweet friend!