Still here!

Hey everyone!  I just wanted to let you know that I am still here!  I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while!

Matt and I gave ourselves some time before starting the process of picking a headstone.  We didn't want to rush it because we wanted it to be perfect.  I cannot say enough nice things about Hamilton Mill Memorial Chapel and Gardens.  They have been incredible through this whole process.  The funeral director was so patient with us while going back and forth picking the perfect marker for McKinley.  After sending us multiple sketches of different things we wanted to see, we settled on something perfect and simple!  The marker is in production now and will be placed in the next several weeks.  Pictures to come.

In my last post (you can see the original from our wedding there), I mentioned that Matt and I were going to re-create an artificial version of a flower arrangement from our wedding to place on the shepherds hook at the grave site.  After Matt mastered the art of the hot glue gun, I wanted to show you the finished product!  We are super happy with the way it turned out!  :)

February 21st

February 21st, 2012 was McKinley's given due date.  We knew in November when she was born that this day would be especially hard.  This was the time that we should have been bringing her home to a beautiful nursery prepared for her.  Matt and I both decided to take the day off to honor her and to spend time together.  This was our day:

We woke to find a gift and letters from our families.  Each letter meant so much to us as we read with tears rolling down our faces.  Our families love McKinley as much as we do.

I would like to share the devotion from the book, "Jesus Calling."  for this day,  February 21st.

"Trust and faithfulness will get you safely through this day. Trust protects you from worrying and obsessing. Thankfulness keeps you from criticizing and complaining: Those “sister sins” that so easily entangle you. 

Keeping your eyes on Me is the same thing as trusting Me. It is a free choice that you must make thousands of times daily. The more you choose to trust Me, the easier it becomes. Thought patterns of trust become etched into your brain. Relegate troubles to the periphery of your mind, so that I can be central in your thoughts. Thus you focus on Me, entrusting your concerns into My care."

---------------------------------------

We had breakfast at a little cafe in downtown Duluth called "Chocolate Perks."  It was a really cute cafe and no, we did not have chocolate for breakfast even though I wouldn't have opposed!

After breakfast, we went to see "The Vow."  I had been wanting to see this since it came out.  Matt definitely sacrificed for this one!  It was a great movie and at 11:00 am we almost had the entire movie theater to ourselves!!

Next, we worked on a project for McKinley's grave.  Back in November, we placed shepherds hooks that were used for our outdoor wedding.  On one hook, we have her wind chimes and on the other we have placed and replaced flowers in the form of hanging baskets.  I decided that I wanted to make an artificial flower arrangement so that it stayed looking beautiful all year long.  Matt had the amazing idea of recreating one of the arrangements from our wedding.  We spent the rest of the afternoon creating this piece for her.  Pictures to come once it is completed.  Here is a picture of it from our wedding.

Back in November, my coworkers gave me and Matt a gift card to an amazing restaurant that we would normally not go to.  We decided to use it for this day.  We got dressed up, went to the cemetery for a visit with McKinley and then headed to downtown Atlanta because the restaurant was in Centennial Olympic Park.  It was beautiful with white table cloths and candles.  They sat us at the most wonderful table overlooking the park.  It was the perfect way to end our day together.

And this is the picture of my steak....  :) 

Thank you so much for all the sweet messages, emails, comments, texts and phone calls on this day!!

Scrambled Eggs and Cowlicks

I've said it before, "McKinley has changed my life forever...."

Well, she has not only changed my life emotionally, but she has changed it mentally and physically.

Let me explain.

First, Scrambled Eggs....

Before becoming pregnant, a typical weekend breakfast would include Matt's famous scrambled cheese eggs!  Matt loves scrambled eggs and so did I.  Things changed.  I had heard about food aversions when pregnant, this was mine.  Much to Matt's disappointment, all of the sudden, one day I didn't even want to think about eating scrambled eggs.  I keep saying "scrambled," because I can still eat eggs, just not in this cooking method!  Well, to this day, I still can't eat them.  After McKinley was born, I think Matt had hope (as still does), that this would go away.  Once in a while on a Saturday morning, I still hear the words, "Want me to scramble up some eggs this morning!?"  The answer is still no.

Second, Cowlicks....

I've heard people talk about their hair changing while being pregnant and then also after birth.  About 5 months into pregnancy, I discovered a big change in my hair showing itself in the form of a cowlick beside my ear!  After I dry my hair and before straightening it is when it really shows its true colors! Thankfully I am able to tame it with the straightening iron most days!  I also have this "crinkle" that will just not straighten on the side of my head.

Most people would be annoyed at these kind of changes in their lives, but I just smile and think of my daughter.



.

McKinley's Friends

I have started a new tab at the top of my blog called "McKinley's Friends"  I copied its contents in this post. 


After receiving the devastating news that McKinley had Trisomy 13, a diagnosis considered "incompatible with life," I desperately starting searching the Internet for people in the same situation knowing that I couldn't be the only one. I had difficulty at first, then a friend connected me to the blog of a family with the same diagnosis. This is how I came in contact with all the amazing women and families I have come to know that have been affected (or are being affected) by Trisomy 13. Now that McKinley is in heaven, this group of women, some I know in person and some I haven't met, have played a crucial role in my healing process.

I saw this done on another blog (Thanks Holly!) and thought it was a wonderful idea. I would like to start a list of babies that have gone to heaven, to hopefully connect other moms/families if they happen to stumble across my blog.

If you have a precious baby in heaven, due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss and would like to be added to this list, please leave a comment on this post (if you don't have a google account, it will give you an option to leave the information anonymously as well) with the following:

-Your name
-Baby's Name (if given one)
-Birthday, Born into Heaven Date, and/or Angel Dates
-Diagnosis/Reason they left us (if you received one)
-Blog Link (if you have one, so that others can find your blog)

**Even if you do not currently have a blog, still send me the other information so we can recognize your sweet baby and have others pray for you. If you decide to start a blog at a later time, just send me your updated information and I will be glad to add it**

Would everyone please join me and pray for these families?

McKinley's Friends

(Click on the tab at the top of the blog to see the ones that have been added)

Time

This week I was asked to fill out a survey for the "Getting to Know You" section of the newsletter for my company.  It's just a random set of questions for the employees to learn new things about their coworkers.  Question #4  "What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done?"  Whoa! <Time stood still while I thought about my answer>  My answer would be a close tie between:  (1) carrying my daughter knowing that she would die.  (2) burying my daughter having never seen her breathe her first breath.  So...needless to say, I decided to skip this question... I figured this would be a little way too much to put in a monthly company newsletter.

From the day McKinley was born, I have struggled with the fact that I did not get to carry her to full term and that I did not get to see her breathe her first breath. Some days I feel at peace with this and other days, I really struggle.  It's so odd feeling so thankful and happy for the time I had with her, but so sad at the same time for the lack of time I had with her.  I struggle with the fact that I did not get days, hours, or even minutes with her like I was preparing my heart for in the months leading up to her birth.  I also know that no matter the amount of time I had with her, it would never seem like enough.  So please pray for me as I continue to search for peace in this.

 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6

The "Club"

Here is a picture of the "club" I wish I didn't have to be in, but that I am so, so thankful for! (One of the many times during this experience that I have dealt with two completely opposite feelings at the exact same time.)

From left to right:  Sandra, Kara (Devotions to Dalton), Jeannie (Lessons from Porter), Katie (the little green family), me, and Shannon

On Saturday night, Jeannie invited us all over to her house for coffee and desserts.  I am so thankful for these women and what they have meant to me over the last several months.  This time when our group got together, we invited the husbands as well!  Here is the "family" shot!

Each of these families have been affected by Trisomy.  We are all at different points in our journey, and even though our stories are very similar, they are very different at the same time.  It was so nice to have the husbands there as well.  The guys sat outside by the fire while we sat inside where it was nice and warm!  Our conversations were so full of faith, strength, and hope. It was so encouraging. Jeannie said it best in her blog, "There is an extraordinary bond and understanding when you have experienced this kind of journey."  This is very true.  Even though we have known each other for a short time, there was so much to talk about and so much love for one another.  Carrying my daughter, knowing that she will die and having no clue how long I will have with her is one of the hardest things I have ever had to experience...these women completely get it...

Jeannie gave each of us the most thoughtful gift--a handkerchief monogrammed with our daughter/son's initials.  I treasure anything and everything with McKinley's name or initials on it.  I absolutely love seeing and hearing her name, so this was such a special gift to me.

Katie quoted something that Sandra said Saturday night that I would like to share.  It brought me so much peace and happiness.  So, I am going to quote Katie since she paraphrased it in her blog:

"She (Sandra) said for her, it was like Holland was never really hers - like she was God's all along. That it was her job and her joy to carry her and be her mom. That when Holland passed, she was just handing her back to the One who made her. So true!! We are just the lucky moms (and I do mean that, lucky!) to have held angels."

At the end of the night, Shannon, who is a little further out in her journey than the rest of us, prayed over the mothers; and her husband prayed over the fathers.  It was so uplifting and special.

So thankful for this amazing group.

 

Help Wanted

When I was pregnant, and especially early on before I started to show, I had a hard time with the question, "Do you have children?"  I felt like, do I tell them I have one on the way and then dread the "happy baby" comments like, "Do you know if it's a boy or girl?"  "Girls are so much fun!" "I bet you are so excited for your first child!" "Have you started the nursery?" or... would I just simply say, "No, not yet, " to avoid the hurt I felt hearing these happy comments about the future of my baby?  Well, I decided that I would tell people because in fact, McKinley was growing inside me and very much alive, and I was very excited about her even though I knew her fate.  So, I would just smile and say, "Yes, I am very excited," and leave it at that.  This was my answer, especially to strangers that I knew I would never see again. 

Well, now, I thought the hard questions were over...boy was I wrong...

Of course, I still get the question, "Do you have children?"  I spoke in an earlier post, Dear McKinley, about the first time someone asked me this after we lost her.  I am just having trouble with the answer to this question now.  There is one thing for sure, I will never, ever answer this question with a simple "no."  How could I deny the precious life that I held in my arms on November 2, 2011?  God was so gracious to let me borrow his sweet angel here on earth.

I need help coming up with a simple, sweet answer to this question for people who I will probably never see again, that don't need to know the full story.  I want my answer to be something that makes people smile, not feel sorry for me.  I don't want to be felt sorry for.  It is so hard to see the look on someones face when you tell them that you lost a baby.  I absolutely hate using the word "stillborn" as well.  There is just something about that word that is very hard for me to hear or use (I even had the Funeral Home take this word off the Obituary).  I was so blessed with my time with my daughter.  Don't get me wrong, I wish she was still here with Matt and I, but I know that she is happy and very much loved in heaven. 

So, if you have a suggestion for me, please let me know.  I would love some help with this.  Facebook message me, leave me a comment on facebook or on here, send me an email.  I just need help.  How can I answer this hard question with a short sentence that would make someone smile instead of frown?

Prayer Requests

One of the many unexpected blessings from McKinley's life has been meeting some awesome new friends.  After we received the diagnosis, one of my dear friends Erin, told me that her sister had a friend here in Atlanta that was also pregnant with a baby with Trisomy 13.   Erin asked if she could give her my email address.  This is how I met Katie (the little green family)!  That very night Katie sent me a very comforting email and I knew her friendship would be a blessing to me. 

Katie's baby girl Hallie, was born on December 19, 2011 and lived a precious and love-filled 4 and a half days. I will be attending Hallie's Memorial Service this Saturday to celebrate her life.  Please pray for this family as they are continuing in their healing process.   The Green family is the epitome of love and life shown through God's unfailing grace. 

From Katie's blog I found Miranda (Annalise Lilly).  Her baby girl was born into heaven on August 19, 2011.  She lost around the same time in pregnancy that I did.  Unfortunately, I have not met Miranda in person because we are separated by 8 hours, but her friendship via blogs and emails has been such a blessing to me.  Pray for Miranda and her husband for continued healing and peace in God's plan for them. 

From Katie's blog I also found Kara (Devotions to Dalton) .  Her son Dalton, has severe partial trisomy 13 and is due in February.  We discovered that its a small world and that her husband and I are from the same hometown with some mutual friends!  Kara's strength and hope through this whole experience has been an inspiration to me.  Please pray for her and Jonathan as they prepare to meet Dalton, and as the unknowns of his medical conditions become known.  Pray for Dalton's physical strength to endure delivery and life outside, and pray for emotional strength for mommy and daddy.  I have great hope in his life.  I am so excited to attend Kara's shower in honor of Dalton this weekend!  I can't wait to meet this precious little boy!!

More recently, I have been in contact with a few more moms going through this journey (you can find links on my blog).  A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to get together with 4 other moms (Katie, Kara and 2 others) to Trisomy babies in the Atlanta area.  One of the moms decided it would be good for the husbands to meet so we are getting together at her house for dessert and coffee in a couple weeks. I can't wait for that!

I know that I would be in a very different place emotionally and in my healing process if it weren't for these women and such a great support group. I am so thankful for each one of you!  In a recent post,  Meghan (Quinn's Story) said, "This isn't a "club" that I wanted to join.  I have heard it said that this is the "club" with the highest membership dues."  This is so true.  No mother should ever be told that her baby will most likely not survive.  No mother should ever have to endure the immense grief of burying her baby.  As I stated in an earlier post, even though this is not what I would have ever expected my life to be like, this is My Story, and I serve a gracious God who will help me through it.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  Psalm 34:18

He Listened

For the most part, I see new people every day at work, (for those of you who don't know, I perform cardiopulmonary stress tests) and I get into interesting conversations with some of my patients.  The day before my amniocentesis, I was at work like any normal day.  My mind was a little distracted that week to say the least.  My patient, which I later found out was a retired pastor, was talking about how sometimes he likes to buy himself gifts.  His most recent gift to himself was the version of the bible called "The Message."  A huge smile came over his face when I told him I had a copy of The Message as well.  He said, "When you get home, I want you to look up Psalm 116,  I want you to pay attention to the first part of the first verse."  I said, "Ok," he smiled and that's all that was said. 

Well of course, my curious self could not wait until I got home.  I knew that my mom had The Message as well, so I called her.  She read the first line of the first verse to me; it said, "I love God because he listened to me."  (This was the part that he wanted me to pay the most attention to.)  My mom read a little further as we both cried, "listened as I begged for mercy. He listened so intently as I laid out my case before him." 

I felt this huge relief!!  I had prayed and prayed for McKinley, begging God to heal her and not confirm the doctors suspicions.  I just knew God sent this man to tell me that he heard me and everything was going to be okay!

I had the amniocentesis the next day and a few days later received the devastating news that McKinley had Trisomy 13.  If you read my post in November, Anger into Thankfulness, this was when the anger began.  I was angry because I felt like God didn't listen to me.

I haven't talked about this to many people however, our journey to McKinley took a little longer than expected.  Thankfully, no fertility drugs were needed, just a matter of balancing out some of my hormones to get us on the right track.  By the time we found out we were pregnant, it had taken a little over a year, way longer than we had ever anticipated. 

During that year-long process, I prayed to God many, many times about it.  I wanted to be a mother so badly and I begged God for this.

The other day, I was thinking about the last few months.  For some reason, that man's face appeared to me, smiling like he had that day.  It suddenly dawned on me!  I prayed and begged God for over a year to let me become a mother.  He HAD listened to me.  This brought me the biggest sense of peace that day.

When we were in the hospital and had McKinley baptized, the Chaplin looked at me and said, "You ARE a good mother." 

He listened.....

Lessons Learned: Hope

This week I learned a lesson about hope thanks to my friend, Kara.  In one of her previous blogs, she helped me understand the difference between hope and optimism.  She said, "Optimism is thinking things are going to be okay based on past circumstances and what you already know.  Hope is having faith that everything will be okay because you have put it all in the Lord's hands."

Optimism was definitely something I struggled with after we received McKinley's diagnosis.  With all of the statistics that the doctors throw at you, how COULD you be optimistic?  However, hope was something that was completely in my hands.  I feel like in some ways, this is where I fell short.  I'm human.  At times, I felt like hope was in my reach and at other times, I felt like I was being naive.  I would look at pictures of the beautiful children who beat the odds and lived past their 1st birthday...but then I would get slapped back into reality when my specialist would give me statistics based on McKinley's specific problems.  Maybe I was scared that hope might leave me more vulnerable and more hurt in the end.  I do know that more than anything, I wanted McKinley to come home with us in February.  I also know that even though I struggled with hope, I never once gave up on my daughter.

I decided early on that I did not want to set up a nursery and that I did not want to have baby showers.  I just felt like it was too hard.  I decided this purely on what the doctors told me about McKinley's fate. Maybe this was the place I could have held on to more hope. We go through things, we learn from them, and I have learned to have more hope, no matter what.  God is in control and he knows what is best.  I feel like hope can bring you more joy in any specific moment as well.  I tend to be a "statistics" type of person, but with God, there are no statistics.

After we lost McKinley, I have to admit that I "put off" seeing my friends with babies for a while.  On Tuesday, we met our dear friends Keri and Brandon for dinner.  They have a 3 month old little girl named Kinsleigh.  Kinsleigh was the first small baby that I have held since I held McKinley.  I thought it would be extremely hard but was amazed at how much joy I felt from that little girl.  It makes me excited and hopeful for what my future holds.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”

Glory Baby

**This is the song that plays when you get on the blog**

Glory Baby

By: Watermark

Glory Baby, You slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened Dear,
You disappeared on us baby, baby

Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we`re home with you

 Until we`re home with you

CHORUS
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there`s a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you`ll kiss our tears away, when we`re home to stay
We can`t wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You`ll just have heaven before we do
You`ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little baby, it`s hard to understand it
Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we`re stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing

All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would, just like he said he would

CHORUS

BRIDGE
I can`t imagine Heaven`s lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it`s all you`ll ever know, all you`ll ever know

Chosen

I am currently reading a book called "I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy" by Angie Smith.  Angie was faced with the same situation at 18 weeks to terminate the pregnancy of her daughter, Audrey Caroline who was not expected to live long past birth due to conditions "incompatible with life."  Her husband Todd wrote this song.

This song hits really close to home for me.  I will forever be grateful to God for choosing me to carry McKinley through her short life.

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take,
Things I wanted to show you,
Sing sweet lullabys,
Wipe your teary eyes,
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not,
Truth is I'm barely hangin' on,
There's a greater story
Written long before me,
Because He loves you like this.

I will carry you,
While your heart beats here,
Long beyond the empty cradle,
Through the coming years,
I will carry you,
All my life,
I will praise the One,
Who's chosen me,
To carry you.

Such a short time,
Such a long road,
All this maddness,
But I know,
That the silence,
Has brought me to His voice,
And He said,

"I've shown her photographs of time beginning,
Walked her through the parted sea,
Angel lullabys,
No more teary eyes,
Who could love her like this?"

I will carry you,
While your heart beats here,
Long beyond the empty cradle,
Through the coming years,
I will carry you,
All your life,
I will praise the One,
Who's chosen me,
To carry you.

A Story About Gifts

My mom writes an article for Forsyth Woman Magazine titled "One Woman's Voice."  She interviews women and writes articles about things going on in their lives. The December article is "A Story About Gifts."  It's about our journey with McKinley.  I wanted to share it with you.

I have attached a picture of the article page. You can click on it to make it bigger.

You can also download the magazine at the link below.  Go to the website and select "Download Latest Issue."

http://forsythwoman.com/

Dear God

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12 

Dear God,

By now, I am sure that you have heard from many of our friends and family members. Thank you so much for sending such wonderful people into our lives.  Also, thank you for guarding my heart and sending the most perfect woman last week to be the first one to ask me about children after we lost McKinley.  She had such a kind heart.

I'm going to be honest.....  I'm jealous of you. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do.  I am jealous that you get to spend time with my daughter and I don't.  I know that one day I will get to spend eternity with her (and you), but right now, that just doesn't seem to help the hurt I feel inside.  I need help with this.  But, if I can't be the one holding her and loving on her, there is no one else I'd rather her be with than you.  There is comfort in knowing that she will never feel the pain of this world and will only know what love feels like, our love here on earth but most importantly, your love...the most perfect love there is. 

I struggle on a daily basis but I know you know whats best for us, and for McKinley.  I know that you see things that we can't see. Knowing her condition,  if you saw that she would be in physical pain when she came into this world, I am glad you called her home to safety. You know my heart, if there was nothing the doctors could do,  I would much rather be the one suffering right now than my daughter. This is where I have to put full trust in you.  I may never know why you only let us have her for a short time.  I have to accept this and find peace in this.  I would much rather have had her for a short amount of time than not have her at all. You knew how much love I had to give a child and this child you sent me was special. So thank you, thank you for sending me a beautiful daughter, such a precious gift.  I now have a small glimpse of what it must have felt like for you to send your only son to die for us, for our sins.  Your grace is astounding...


Amen

Why? or How?

I am having a bad day.  I don't know that it's any one thing in particular.  A lot of things run through my mind on a daily basis.  I remember thinking a few months ago while on the internet that I should be researching day cares and nurseries, not funeral homes and cemeteries.  I can still have faith that everything would be okay, but I needed to be prepared in case they weren't.   It was a harsh reality for me to face, but I had to. 

Today, along the same lines, I thought,  right now I should be enjoying baby showers in honor of McKinley, not mourning the loss of her.  Things like this really hit me hard. 

A few months ago, my mom told me the story of a woman who was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer.  She told my mom that she was not going to live her life by the question of "Why?" but instead the question of "How?"  This really got me thinking about how this could relate to me.

"Why me?" is an easy thing to say when you are faced with adversity isn't it? Why did this happen to us and our daughter? The truth is that Matt and I will probably never know the answer to this question. 

"How are we going to deal with this?"  "How will we let this affect our lives?" "How can we not let this completely destroy us?"  "How can we turn this horrendous situation into something good?" "How can we help others facing similar things?"  Now these are questions that we can take control of right?

Why dwell on things that are OUT of our hands when there are things that are IN our hands?

Blessings

I would like to share a poem with you. A family that is very close to us lost their daughter, Rachael in 1991 to Trisomy 18.  They blessed me greatly by sharing this poem that was written for their daughter.

Every child has a special moment
in which they truly shine.
Your moment may have been brief,
but I was proud to call you mine.

Our journey may have not been long,
but I loved you just the same,
wanting to give you everything
All I could give you was your name.

My dreams for you will never be
but in my life you remain a part
while Jesus holds you in his arms
I will hold you in my heart.

It's in my heart I keep hope alive
with the promises from above
I know my dear sweet daughter
with Jesus you'll know perfect love.

And someday too I will be there
no tears to dim my sight
from Jesus' lap you'll run to me
into my arms I will hold you tight.

For now I pray for daily strength
for this time we are apart
while Jesus holds you in His arms,
I will hold you in my heart.

Author:  Sherri Simpson

**The family gave me permission to share this.  If you decide to share this with someone else, please give credit to the author.  This was a precious gift and blessing given to this family.**

Dear McKinley

To my dearest McKinley,

     One month ago today, you were born. We had to say hello the same day we had to say goodbye.  I miss you terribly.  Sometimes, the pain of losing you is too much.  I try to stay strong just like you did for 6 months.  I am so proud of you.  You were such a fighter even when they didn't think you would make it past 18 weeks, you proved them wrong and made it to 24.  I wish I had more time with you.  It breaks my heart that I will never know if you had your daddy's crystal blue eyes or my natural curl in your hair.  I would have loved to hear you giggle when your daddy made one of his funny faces.  His monkey face would have been your favorite.  Your daddy loves you... I know you already knew that because he would tell you in the morning before he left for work while I was still in bed.  He calls you his "sweet girl."  What I would give you hear the word "mommy" from you.  If your first word was "daddy," I would be okay with that too!
     I made a scrapbook of your life with your aunt Jillian and your grandmother.  I wish I could show it off to the world!  I am so thankful to the sweet nurses who gave me so many pictures of you.
     When I went back to work, I was worried about the first time someone asked me about kids.  Well that day happened yesterday.  My patient and I were talking about Thanksgiving and she said, "Do you have children?"  McKinley, you will always be my first born and I will never deny you of that.  I simply said, "I have a daughter, she is in heaven."  I tried to be strong, but tears filled my eyes.  The woman started to cry.  She told me that she was sorry.  She was dealing with the loss of her father.  She understood recent loss, especially during the holiday season.  Even though I will probably never see that woman again, I know God had a hand in her being the first one to ask me about you.  I want you to know that when you have younger siblings, your dad and I will tell them about you.  I just know you would have been a great big sister.
     Thank you, McKinley, for changing my life.  Thank you for being you.  I never understood the love for a child until now.   I will hold onto that for the rest of my life.  Not a day goes by that you are not in my thoughts.  I am so thankful for you.  I am so thankful that I got to be your mom.  Christmas has a new meaning to me now.  If I could really have what I wanted for Christmas, you would be the only thing on my list today and always. 

I love you,
your mommy