McKinley's Friends

I have started a new tab at the top of my blog called "McKinley's Friends"  I copied its contents in this post. 


After receiving the devastating news that McKinley had Trisomy 13, a diagnosis considered "incompatible with life," I desperately starting searching the Internet for people in the same situation knowing that I couldn't be the only one. I had difficulty at first, then a friend connected me to the blog of a family with the same diagnosis. This is how I came in contact with all the amazing women and families I have come to know that have been affected (or are being affected) by Trisomy 13. Now that McKinley is in heaven, this group of women, some I know in person and some I haven't met, have played a crucial role in my healing process.

I saw this done on another blog (Thanks Holly!) and thought it was a wonderful idea. I would like to start a list of babies that have gone to heaven, to hopefully connect other moms/families if they happen to stumble across my blog.

If you have a precious baby in heaven, due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss and would like to be added to this list, please leave a comment on this post (if you don't have a google account, it will give you an option to leave the information anonymously as well) with the following:

-Your name
-Baby's Name (if given one)
-Birthday, Born into Heaven Date, and/or Angel Dates
-Diagnosis/Reason they left us (if you received one)
-Blog Link (if you have one, so that others can find your blog)

**Even if you do not currently have a blog, still send me the other information so we can recognize your sweet baby and have others pray for you. If you decide to start a blog at a later time, just send me your updated information and I will be glad to add it**

Would everyone please join me and pray for these families?

McKinley's Friends

(Click on the tab at the top of the blog to see the ones that have been added)

Time

This week I was asked to fill out a survey for the "Getting to Know You" section of the newsletter for my company.  It's just a random set of questions for the employees to learn new things about their coworkers.  Question #4  "What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done?"  Whoa! <Time stood still while I thought about my answer>  My answer would be a close tie between:  (1) carrying my daughter knowing that she would die.  (2) burying my daughter having never seen her breathe her first breath.  So...needless to say, I decided to skip this question... I figured this would be a little way too much to put in a monthly company newsletter.

From the day McKinley was born, I have struggled with the fact that I did not get to carry her to full term and that I did not get to see her breathe her first breath. Some days I feel at peace with this and other days, I really struggle.  It's so odd feeling so thankful and happy for the time I had with her, but so sad at the same time for the lack of time I had with her.  I struggle with the fact that I did not get days, hours, or even minutes with her like I was preparing my heart for in the months leading up to her birth.  I also know that no matter the amount of time I had with her, it would never seem like enough.  So please pray for me as I continue to search for peace in this.

 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6

The "Club"

Here is a picture of the "club" I wish I didn't have to be in, but that I am so, so thankful for! (One of the many times during this experience that I have dealt with two completely opposite feelings at the exact same time.)

From left to right:  Sandra, Kara (Devotions to Dalton), Jeannie (Lessons from Porter), Katie (the little green family), me, and Shannon

On Saturday night, Jeannie invited us all over to her house for coffee and desserts.  I am so thankful for these women and what they have meant to me over the last several months.  This time when our group got together, we invited the husbands as well!  Here is the "family" shot!

Each of these families have been affected by Trisomy.  We are all at different points in our journey, and even though our stories are very similar, they are very different at the same time.  It was so nice to have the husbands there as well.  The guys sat outside by the fire while we sat inside where it was nice and warm!  Our conversations were so full of faith, strength, and hope. It was so encouraging. Jeannie said it best in her blog, "There is an extraordinary bond and understanding when you have experienced this kind of journey."  This is very true.  Even though we have known each other for a short time, there was so much to talk about and so much love for one another.  Carrying my daughter, knowing that she will die and having no clue how long I will have with her is one of the hardest things I have ever had to experience...these women completely get it...

Jeannie gave each of us the most thoughtful gift--a handkerchief monogrammed with our daughter/son's initials.  I treasure anything and everything with McKinley's name or initials on it.  I absolutely love seeing and hearing her name, so this was such a special gift to me.

Katie quoted something that Sandra said Saturday night that I would like to share.  It brought me so much peace and happiness.  So, I am going to quote Katie since she paraphrased it in her blog:

"She (Sandra) said for her, it was like Holland was never really hers - like she was God's all along. That it was her job and her joy to carry her and be her mom. That when Holland passed, she was just handing her back to the One who made her. So true!! We are just the lucky moms (and I do mean that, lucky!) to have held angels."

At the end of the night, Shannon, who is a little further out in her journey than the rest of us, prayed over the mothers; and her husband prayed over the fathers.  It was so uplifting and special.

So thankful for this amazing group.

 

Anger into Thankfulness

When we began to see the specialist, and especially after we got McKinley's diagnosis, an anger started to grow inside of me.  I grew angry with God.  Why would God let this happen to 2 people who want to be parents so badly?  I wondered, “Is God punishing me?”  What did I do wrong to deserve this? Was it because we skipped church that time to do yard work?  Is there a lesson you want to teach me?

I am sad to say that we stopped going to church for about 2 months because of my anger towards God.  How could I go to church every Sunday and praise the One who is about to take my daughter from me?  We go to a pretty big church, so, what do you get with a really big church?.....Yes, a bunch of kids!  I would see kids running around, perfectly normal and healthy.  Why did MY daughter have this fate?  I knew that I would never get to see her running around having fun with other kids like this.  It was just too much to grasp.

It was only a couple weeks before she was born that I felt like I was getting into a place of comfort. This is the "okay" feeling that I refer to in McKinley's Story post.   I was coming to terms with what my future would hold.  Maybe I will never know why, but God trusted Matt and I enough to be McKinley's parents. 

Almost immediately after she was born, I had a turning point. No matter how angry I was with God for letting my daughter die and no matter how much church I missed because of this anger towards him, I still knew that McKinley was in Heaven with Him.  There was never a doubt in my mind where she would be after she left us. What better way to be close to my daughter than being close to the One who is holding her?  Insert turning point.

This past Sunday was our first Sunday backto church in a couple months.  It was really good to be back and I had missed it.  So...our first Sunday back and the sermon was about "Suffering..."  It really hit home for Matt and I.  He followed it up by telling us this weeks sermon will be about "Healing..."  Okay, God, I can hear you loud and clear!!  You have my attention!  This was an example to me of how God's timing is perfect.  This was no coincidence. 

I took some time off work after McKinley's birth.  I read "Heaven is for Real," which was given to me a few weeks back.  I cannot tell you how much that book opened my eyes to where my daughter is.  I would recommend this book to anyone and everyone. 

Now, a couple weeks after our daughter came into our lives and our hearts forever, I am in a much better place.  She changed us.  I thank God for bringing her into our lives.  Wait, now I am thanking the God I was so angry at?  Yes, I am.  I am thankful to have the privilege to always be McKinley's mom.  He knew this precious child needed to be loved unconditionally,  he gave her to Matt and I because he knew we would do just that.

McKinley's Story

After our 13th week visit, our doctor sent us to a Maternal Fetal Specialist because of something he saw on our ultrasound. After the visit to the Specialist, we received the news that there was a strong possibility of a chromosomal abnormality. The specialist informed us that a few of the more rare abnormalities were considered “incompatible with life” and because of that, we decided to have further testing to get an absolute diagnosis to prepare us for what our future held.

On September 26th, at 18 weeks gestation, our lives were flipped upside down when we found out that our baby girl was 1 in 10,000 and the diagnosis was Trisomy 13. McKinley had an extra chromosome #13 and this would affect the development of her entire body. We were informed the devastating news that if she survived to full term, our time would be limited to hours, maybe days.  The doctor gave us the option of termination in which we were surprised to find out was the decision most couples make. This was never an option for us, period. Our minds were put at ease when we were told that she was in absolutely no pain. She is our precious daughter and as parents we wanted her to live the longest life possible. We prayed that we would see the day when we would be able to hold her in our arms and have her beautiful eyes look up at us.

We were relieved to find out that the process in which she received the extra chromosome was not hereditary; therefore there was no need for genetic testing before trying to conceive again. This was a very random occurrence that happened at conception. We were told that there is less than a 1% chance this would happen to us again.

In the weeks to follow, we were thrilled to see that our little girl was a fighter and had a strong heartbeat. At one of the ultrasounds, we got to see her “dancing,” in the words of the technician. Six weeks after the diagnosis, we still had our “bad” days but we could finally say, “We’re okay.” God chose us to be McKinley’s parents and we would love her unconditionally.

On Monday, October 31, 2011, at our 6 month checkup, we found out that our angel had gone to heaven. We arrived at the hospital on Tuesday morning at 7 a.m. to be induced, and delivered McKinley on Wednesday, November 2, 2011 at 6:34 a.m. She was 9.5 inches long and 8 oz.

She was baptized in a sweet ceremony in our room with family and we were able to spend the day with her, holding and cherishing every moment. We are so thankful for the kindness of the doctors and nurses at the hospital. Along with the hospital staff, the thoughtful mothers who have struggled with the loss of a baby themselves, who take the time to make the very small dresses and hats and donate them to the hospital for parents in this situation.

On Wednesday afternoon, we visited a beautiful cemetery and picked out the most perfect spot for her under a tree. We will forever be grateful to the staff at the funeral home who took such special care of our sweet angel. They did an amazing job dressing her and wrapping her in the white blanket given to us by the hospital. On November 3rd, we had a private Graveside Memorial Service for her with our family. At her grave site, we’ve placed a shepherd’s hook from our wedding with flowers and we plan to hang a wind chime so she can listen to her lullabies.

Through this process, our love for each other has grown stronger and stronger. We will always be McKinley’s parents and we will always love her and never forget her. Our families have been an amazing support system for us as well as our close friends. They’ve loved McKinley from the time we told them the wonderful news that we were pregnant.

We will miss McKinley dearly but will forever be grateful that God sent her into our lives even for such a short amount of time. She has taught us so many things and our lives will be changed forever because of her sweet face.

Our beautiful angel, McKinley Grace Howard, was born into heaven on November 2, 2011. Mommy and Daddy love you more than you know. Not a day will go by without you in our thoughts. Our comfort is knowing that God is holding you in His loving arms and one day we will see you again.

Kalee and Matt



Chosen by Matt and I for McKinley's Memorial Service.
**************
Psalm 139:13-15

13 For you formed my inward parts;
... you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.